Maybe Misery
by scribbens
Summary: Cameron thinks misery is exactly what she needs.
1. Chapter 1

I am not really sure I like this story. It's more of a drabble, but it doesn't hurt to put it out there.

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Nobody had even the faintest clue that I had feelings for her. Maybe House did. After working with him for so long, I learned that he always seemed to figure out the one thing you didn't want him to know. The only reason I think he doesn't know is because he hasn't tried to exploit me with that information. At least I can suffer my misery in peace. My self imposed misery at that.

I seem to find myself involved in his cases more than would be expected. Nothing is wrong with an occasional consult, but I seemed to be constantly in situations that put me in close proximity with him. Chase thinks that I still have a thing for House, which I will gladly let him think, as long as he doesn't know the truth. If he knew about my feelings for Thirteen I'm not sure what would happen to our relationship. Despite my feelings for Thirteen, I do love Chase and I want to be with him. What I feel for her is just something to torment me until I get over it, not something to pursue. That didn't change the fact that Thirteen was hands down the most gorgeous person I have ever seen in my life. She handles herself with so much grace and confidence. I can't help but stare at her whenever I get lucky enough to be around her. There were some definite downsides to my crush though.

Until I get to the point where I don't drool over the mere mention of her name, I have to find a way to keep myself in check around her though. Just a glimpse of her around a corner or across the hall almost always ends with me running into something, dropping whatever I'm holding or tripping. She probably thinks I'm the clumsiest person ever.

When I heard she was bisexual and sleeping around, I will admit that I had the faintest glimmer of hope. I daydreamed about what would happen if I could have my way with her for weeks. I was a total space case. That was when I had my first suspicion of House knowing about my feelings. He would drop those hints that were vague, but alluded to my crush. That made my spaciness worse. If I wasn't daydreaming about Thirteen, I was worried about House knowing that I was crushing on his employee.

Maybe, just maybe, House had it figured out this whole time. Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity. I was feeling a little restless for awhile in my 'perfect little relationship' with Chase. Then this crush sprung up on me, and despite how miserable I feel, in a weird way I feel more satisfied. Like the reason for going through this, is to come out the other side a better, stronger person. Yeah maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity.


	2. Chapter 2

I really hadn't intended on writing another chapter for this story, but people seem to like it, so I decided to give it a go.

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Nobody had even the faintest clue that I had feelings for her. Sometimes it felt like House did, but the lack of attention he has been giving my personal life seems to point otherwise. He just dropped hints when she was around sometimes that made me a little paranoid. At least I can suffer through this misery in peace. Well almost in peace. It would help if she wasn't always in my face helping on cases. I'm sure she meant no harm, but it wasn't helping my emotional stability to have her around all the time.

I think Cameron still has feelings for House. Why else would she hang around all the time? I overheard Chase telling her to get over him once. Seems to be what everyone thinks of Cameron hanging around all the time. What I wouldn't give to be in House's place just this once. If Cameron only reciprocated half of what I felt for her I would be completely happy. That could never happen though. Not only did she clearly still have feelings for House, she was dating Chase, and how are you supposed to compete with that. Especially considering that Cameron was straight. None of this changed the fact that Cameron was the most most amazingly beautiful person Thirteen had ever laid eyes on. She looked perfect in every way to her. Of course if you looked close enough there were flaws, but none of that mattered. The flaws just made her more perfect in Thirteen's eyes.

I noticed that she is incredibly clumsy though. She is always running into things, dropping stuff and tripping. Weird trait for a doctor to have, but I thought it was cute. She always looked so embarrassed when she fumbled with something, it was adorable.

After the whole fiasco with Spencer and all my co-workers finding out that I sleep around with girls, is when House started dropping comments about myself and Cameron. I hope it is just some perverted fantasy of his, and that he doesn't realize that its true. Work would be unbearable if he knew I had feelings for Cameron. It was almost unbearable now.

I don't know House does it. Being miserable is absolutely the worst feeling ever. Every since I realized I had feelings for Cameron I have been borderline depressed. This misery is driving away whatever I sanity I do have. I hope the feelings pass soon, and if they don't, I might just find myself hanging around the ER more often.


	3. Chapter 3

I am finding this story especially hard to write, so please bare with me.

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My 'passing crush' was beginning to seem less and less like a passing crush. The more time I spent around Thirteen, which was reaching ridiculous proportions, the more I seem to like her. I am slowly starting to learn more about her, about her mom and how that has affected her mostly, but I am enthralled with every little detail. I take it in almost greedily. Anything that will let me feel closer to that beautiful doctor. I am also becoming more aware of her body when she is near me. When we walk down the hall together, talking about a case or something similar, I feel every little brush, every single contact. The other day our hands brushed against each other and I thought my heart almost stopped. If she noticed my sudden change in demeanor, she didn't comment, she just continued talking like nothing had happened, and probably to her, nothing had. There is also the way her mouth curves up into a slight smile when she thinks no one is watching, like she is remembering something. I'm not sure why she does it, but I would give almost anything to know.

Like I mentioned, the amount of time I spend on House's cases is reaching astronomical proportions. I am involved in almost every single one of his cases, and I love every second of it. I was telling the truth when I told Foreman that I missed the environment of working around House. I did miss people doing whatever it took to get the job done. The only difference now is that I like the people willing to do anything to get the job done more than I did before. Well I liked one person more. Taub and Kutner are alright I guess, I honestly don't notice them much.

I notice Thirteen around more often lately. Sometimes she comes down to the ER, when I'm actually where I'm supposed to be, and just talks to me about things that are going on in the hospital as she helps out. She has been doing it more often the last couple weeks. Coming when there is really no need. It makes me wonder why she does it. If I let my fantasies get out of control, I imagine that it is because of me. That she likes me as much as I like her. That is impossible though. I think she is just trying to be nice, to show she appreciates the help. Even though the help is unneeded. I'm sure they could handle their cases without my butting in, but I have no intention of stopping anytime soon. After all, I do need my misery to keep me sane.


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks to everyone that reviewed, especially meva desa, for making me feel like this is worth trying to continue. I am still having a hard time, so I am sorry if it isn't very good.

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If it is even possible, Cameron has been spending even more time working with House. I heard that her and Chase ended it, but I haven't heard it directly from her. I feel bad for wishing that its true. I don't think its appropriate for me to wish something like this on a colleague. Nonetheless, I find myself thinking about possible ways to approach Cameron about my feelings for her. She has been acting different lately, and differently in a way that makes me feel like she may be interested to. I've also been going out of my way lately to talk her about more than just work topics. I told her about my mom and the rest of my childhood. I'm not sure if she does it because she is genuinely interested or just being polite. I dearly hope it is the former because I have never met anyone easier to talk to, and I don't want to lose that. I have also been spending most of my free time at work in the ER. Thankfully, she doesn't seem to mind. Either she doesn't mind, or she is really good at faking a smile. On the topic of her smile, it is the sweetest most adorable smile I have seen. Its not the full teeth kilowatt smile, its more of a small, shy smile, and I think it is absolutely perfect.

I am also beginning to suspect that she doesn't have feelings for House. When she is around him, she seems to pay him little to no attention, which couldn't make me any happier. I also catch her staring at me, but she looks away so quickly when I turn I'm not sure it really happened. One thing I am sure of though is that there is a definite physical connection that we have established, although I don't think it was a conscious decision on either of our parts. When we walk next to each other in the halls, I am aware of every little brush and touch. I know she is aware of them too because when our hands touched , her breath caught and she faltered in her sentence. I pretended like it hadn't happened for her sake, but I'm beginning to wish I hadn't. It seems now that that would have been the perfect opportunity to confront her about what had been going on with us lately.

I think I should confront her soon though. I feel like if I wait too long, I will lose whatever slim chance I seem to have and she will go back to Chase. If Chase is what makes her happy I would never contest, but I still want my shot. So I think tomorrow I need to find a way to talk to her. Yes, thats what I'll do. I need to at least try to rid myself of this misery.


	5. Chapter 5

I think today just might have been a hallucination. I came into work to find Thirteen waiting for me, and the first thing she did was ask me if Chase and I had really broken up. When I told her yes she just stared for a minute with that damn mysterious smile on her face before walking away. Without another word she just walked away. I'm really not sure what to think of it, or whether it even really happened at all. It would be just like me to imagine a conversation with Thirteen.

Her smile made me feel more optimistic though. Generally when someone tells you they had a break up you generally say I'm sorry and ask if they are OK. She just smiled, making me think that she may just like me too. I'm not going to get too hopeful though, I don't want to think something is going to happen and then get let down.

Chase spent a lot time outside the surgical department today. I think he may have been trying to spy on me, or trying to keep his eye on me. See if I am as miserable or heartbroken looking as he is. I am pretty sure that he wants to get back together, and is just looking for his chance. Although I do still love him, I would never be with him again. That ship has long since sailed. My mind definitely had its train of thought set on something, or someone, that was not Robert Chase.

I had also noticed a lot of Thirteen today as well, not that that is something new. I know she has been hanging around a lot, but she was around even more today. The only difference is she didn't say anything to me. She was just there, with that smile, which made my curiosity burn relentlessly. I had never seen her smile this much and while it was a good sight to see, the feeling of not knowing why it was there was driving me insane.

Then, after an entire day of saying nothing, Thirteen falls into step with me while on the way to the parking lot and asks how my day was. I told her it could have been better and she wanted to know what happened. I told her the truth, Chase was following me around and that she just ignored me. She looked at the ground with a guilty look on her face for a second before she looked me in the eye again, and there was that damn smile. Then she leaned in and gave me the sweetest kiss before telling me to have a good night. What the hell?! I was too stunned to even react in time to question her. By the time I got my head on straight she was long gone.

It is even possible that someone like Thirteen could be interested in someone like me. I guess the kiss should kind of answer my question though but it just makes me more confused. This just adds to my ever growing misery. What am I going to do tomorrow when I see her? Just casually walk up to her and say hi and hope she doesn't pretend like I'm not there. Tonight is definitely going to be a sleepless night spent worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow.


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry it is taking so long to update. I am back at school and the computer I use for my writing is not at the same house that I live in on weekdays. I will try to do as much as I can when I can. Sorry again for the delay. Also, I am inevitably still having trouble writing this, so once again, thanks for the reviews that help me keep trying.

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I cannot believe that I actually kissed her last night. I know that was my original plan and everything, but still. I know I'm usually calm and confident but I am surprised I had the courage to go through with it. I mean kissing Cameron, I think I am still in shock. I know she didn't technically kiss me back or anything, but I will live in my denial about that as long as possible. Maybe she was too shocked to respond or something. At work I avoided her like the plague. Probably didn't help my case, but I was so nervous that she would reprimand me for kissing her. I wanted to hold onto my fantasy as long as possible.

I managed to get through the whole day without seeing her once. A little part of me thought that she had not come into to work today, but I was too paranoid to ask. I felt like someone could see on my face what I had done. So in the middle of my musings a heard a knock at my door, which is truly strange because I don't get visitors. Since I started my job at Princeton-Plainesboro I seem to get people breaking in frequently, but not visitors. I opened the door just to promptly feel like slamming shut again. Cameron was standing on my doorstep. After a few minutes of just staring dumbly at her she asked if I was going to invite her in. Feeling like an idiot I moved aside to let her in, just to have her brush into me as she walked past. I must be dreaming.

I closed to the door, but when I turned to face her she launched herself at me slamming me back into the door. Not really caring about the throbbing in my back, I immediately kissed her back. I still wasn't sure that I wasn't dreaming, but I didn't care at this point. If this was just a dream, it was OK with me. I tried to turn us so I could be in control, but she was not having that. She just pushed me against the door even harder. She pulled away, giving us just enough room to breathe, when she looked me in the eye. I saw the recognition in flash in her eyes and realized that my dream was about to come crashing down.

As expected, Cameron pulled away from me even farther and I didn't fight it. She muttered something about that was not why she was here. I asked her why she was here then and she seemed shocked that I had heard. She tried to walk past me to get to the door, but I wasn't letting her go without an explanation, so I grabbed her arm and spun her to face me. She just kept repeating that she hadn't meant for that to happen while trying to shake my grip. I eventually let her arm go, giving up the fight for now, seeing as how I couldn't get even a real sentence out of her. After she left I just slid down the door and put my head in my hands, trying to make sense of what had just happened.

If I knew anything, it was that there was no longer a chance at friendship between myself and Cameron. It had to go one way or the other, and I had a sick feeling in my stomach it wasn't going to go the way I wanted. Tomorrow was going to be a make or break day for a relationship. I eventually got off the floor and collapsed on my bed to further wallow in my misery.


	7. Chapter 7

A whole two years later I'm back xD my writing style is a little different I'm sure, but there was so much feedback on this story that I felt I needed to come back to it. So much has happened on House since then, especially with Thirteen and Cameron! I might start incorporating these changes as the fic continues. If anyone still cares enough to read this, here it is!

I can't believe I practically assaulted Thirteen. I went over to her place to confront her about the kiss and ignoring me, NOT to throw myself at her. I just couldn't help myself; being so close to her was too much of a tease. The silver lining is she definitely kissed me back. There is no longer a question there. I'm a thousand percent positive that if I stayed I could have had a night that I had fantasized about for months now. I panicked though, plain and simple.

Now that something had actually happened I was faced with another turmoil I hadn't even dwelled on before. When I was with Chase and the thought of actually being with Thirteen was an impossibility that I only entertained in my wildest dreams, I hadn't ever considered what this meant of my sexuality. Was I a lesbian, bisexual, straight with a girl crush? It was a lot to think about.

Tomorrow morning would bring work. Barring Thirteen not showing up, we were going to be in the same building and she may have managed to avoid me for an entire day before, but I doubt it could happen twice. Although, I was for sure going to be doing the avoiding this time. I wasn't ready to discuss all this yet.

Back to my misery. I wasn't so sure it was helping my sanity anymore though.


End file.
